In what is being seen as a political shocker, the incumbent Republican and pro-statehood Governor of Puerto Rico, Luis Fortuño, submitted his resignation to the Puerto Rican Congress today at a press conference at La Fortaleza.
Citing “personal reasons” and the “opportunity of a lifetime,” Fortuño announced that starting April 3 he will become a Fox News personality for The Fortuño Fortune Show, a new game show that will combine the best of the beloved Puerto Rican TV classic PA’ ARRIBA, PAPI, PA’ ARRIBA (Go Up, Daddy, Go Up) and hard-hitting interviews with such luminaries as Michelle Backman, birther Donald Trump, Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Mike “Huck” Huckabee, and Iris Chacón.
Fortuño also announced that the show will contain its Fortuño Funky All-Star Band, a new band of Puerto Rican musicians who has stayed silent about the island’s current political status and its 113 years of colonial rule by the United States. Heading up the band will be rapper Daddy Yankee, a beloved megastar who has expressed no interest in the island’s struggle. Puerto Rican papers had reported that legends Danny Rivera and Andrés Jiménez had auditioned for the band, but Fortuño had personally blacklisted them for being “too communist and socialist and not appropriate for representing the island of Puerto Rico, the next great state of the Union.”
When Jiménez heard of this decision, he was reported as telling Puerto Rico VOCERO newspaper, “Eres un jodio MAMAO, Luis.”
Fortuño, who was recently given Ds and Fs by the Puerto Rican people and also trails by 18 percentage point in current gubernatorial polls, did issue a statement at the press conference assuring that this decision had nothing to do with his recent troubles on the island, including the firing of over 26,000 public employees and a Justice Department investigation of police abuse at the University of Puerto Rico.
I love Fox News. They have anointed me as “the next great Latino Republican in the United States” even though I technically am not able to run for VP of the United States. When they approached me to do the show, I said yes! In both languages! You see, I really am a American self-loathing Puerto Rican who during my time at Georgetown and the University of Virginia, realized that AMERICA IS FREAKIN AWESOME. I figured that having my own show on a major news network will be the best way for Puerto Rico to become a state of the Union. The show will have several segments, including my favorite one, THE LUIS GUTIERREZ YOU ARE NOT A BORICUA AWARDS, which I think explains itself. This show is going to be SOOOO funny!
Fox News has scheduled for Fortuño’s show to be broadcast every Monday morning at 4 am EST/1am PST.
“Our research confirms that Latinos like to stay up late after so much partying and dominoes are still wide awake listening to bad rancheras and salsa music,” Fox News founder Ruppert Murdoch said. “What better time slot for our Latino rising star to take over this demographic and show the world that yes, Puerto Ricans are really Americans, even though people like Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity would tell you otherwise since it will mess up the stars on the current flag of the United States.”
WHITE HOUSE HAS RELEASED TOP 5 SUCCESSORS
The Puerto Rican press is all abuzz about who will succeed Fortuño, who officially will leave the office on Sunday, April 3 so he can take a flight to New York and start producing his premiere his show next Tuesday. Since the United States Government really doesn’t trust the Puerto Rican Congress, President Obama decided to play the very obscure “COLONIAL WILD CARD,” a seldom-used executive order that has been in effect since the United States invaded the island in 1898.
The White House confirmed this morning that it has already developed a strong “short list” of successors and we are the first blog to publicly post this list. Here is the top 5 list of successors, which President Obama will use to choose on Sunday. The successor will be brought into La Fortaleza on Sunday and be sworn in to become the island’s Executive Chief.
Latina Mega Star Jennifer Lopez
Beloved Puerto Rican Children’s Host Pacheco (who is deceased but Obama has assured that his mystical powers will resurrect him)
Dallas Maverick NBA Star and Puerto Rican Star José Barea
Mexican Superstar Juan Gabriel (like Obama said, “ALL LATINOS ARE ALIKE!”)